This column appeared in 1987.
When the do-it-yourselfer outdoes himself
Would you believe that a simple task of planting a little shrubbery around the house and removing sod around the lilac bushes could result in repeated trips to the doctor, X-rays, and $24-a-bottle medication?
The Friendly Do-It-Yourselfer really outdid himself this time.
Usually the task at hand for DIY results in frustration, deflated ego and embarrassment. Once it even meant some medical attention when he cut open his hand with a saw. For a DIY, this was understandable. But injuring one’s foot to the extent that he was out of work for a week and had to curb all activities…now that’s ridiculous. Expensive also.
Having a week off in May is the best time of the year to get the yard cleaned and outside spring cleaning accomplished. So it was with the DIY. The job list was ambitious: Clean the garage, take down the gutters and paint the trim, and schedule a lawn (junk) sale to make room for accumulating another 15 years’ worth of artifacts (junk).
But first things first. Wifemate had been harping about that empty spot in the front yard that needed a tree or shrub. This was after the planting of two spruce trees and a forsythia bush had failed. One would think that if DIY could plant some lilac bushes a few years back, when he used cement for fertilizer, with success, that a simple planting of a bush would be a piece of cake. He should have seen the omen.
One of the lilac bushes had failed to bloom for the second consecutive year. Maybe the cement has finally hardened. Wifemate suggested that if the sod were dug out from around the bush, it might have a better chance of survival. DIY could plant another bush in the front yard at the same time.
A trip to the friendly neighborhood plant store found all the necessary ingredients for a professional job. A flowering crab was selected for the planting, cow manure for fertilizer (can’t mistake cement for that), and several bags of wood chips for decoration and to keep the grass away. About $75 did the trick.
When digging started, DIY discovered that grass growing against the garage was threatening to rot the sills. This also had to be removed. At the end of the spading, DIY’s foot was sore. The next day, he could hardly step on it. The next day, it was a visit to Pen Bay’s emergency ward. The medical personnel were very nice. The doctor said there was some inflammation around the toe joint but nothing broken. Take some pills to deflate the inflammation and the foot should be better in a couple of days. Somehow DIY was dubious. After all, the doctor was wearing his hospital shirt wrong side out. It had to be an omen.
Over the weekend, the foot swelled, and swelled. The pain increased. Monday meant a call to a specialist. Diagnosis. Gout.
Webster says that gout is “a disease resulting from a disturbance of uric acid metabolism, characterized by an excess of uric acid in the blood and deposits of uric acid salts in various tissues, especially in the joints of the feet and hands. It causes swelling and severe pain, notable in the big toe.”
That exactly was what the doctor said. Gout also can be brought on by eating food that is too rich, like lobster. That’s a real laugh when lobster is $3-something a pound. In this case, in his interminable fashion, DIY had disturbed his uric acid metabolism with an ordinary spade.
Doctor’s advice: Stay home, remain quiet, keep the foot elevated, and take these $24-a-bottle pills. It worked. In just three days, DIY could get his shoes on. The pain had subsided. The bills are not all in yet, but an estimation of $200 won’t be far off.
DIY now is wondering how to answer the questions on the insurance forms. Suppose the insurance people will accept the fact that patient’s uric acid metabolism was disturbed by a spade? Also, is this reported as an accident? It was no accident that DIY intended to use the spade to dig out the sod. But he surely had no intention of disturbing his acid metabolism.
On top of all this, the garage is still dirty and crammed with artifacts (junk), and the trim on the house still is not painted. The next chapter in the life of DIY should be a dilly.
Ted Sylvester is [was] chief of the Midcoast Bureau. Bangor Daily News
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