Beyond the South End

 

Do-It-Yourselfer Scores at Track

By TED SYLVESTER

 

This is a sequel to the summer trials and tribulations of the Friendly do-it-yourselfer.

We told you about the deck renovations last week. This week it will be recreation. Do-It-Yourselfer will tell you he had a fool-proof system in playing the horses at Union Fair. We’ll let you decide.

After being frustrated with his wrinkle-smooth deck carpet Do-It-Yourselfer decided a little diversion at the fair was in order. He ushered Wifemate into the car and away they went to the event which has become a summer classic in these parts for as long as either one of them could remember.

To be sure, it was hot, dry and dusty. But, determined to have some fun, the couple wandered into the betting area of the race track. Do-It-Yourselfer is no fool. Before he went to the races he obtained a list of starters from a reporter friend. No sense in paying an extra buck for that fancy race book with all those figures and statistics nobody understands.

It was already the third race. DIYer (my abbreviation) was sure he could have picked the daily double but nobody would ever know.

Since it had been more than 25 years since DIYer had been at the track he was forced to fake his familiarity with the betting odds board on the track. He does read the race results in the Bangor Daily News every day. He couldn’t remember the names of horses, but the names of successful drivers stuck in his mind.

Third race coming up. DIYer reviews his racing sheet. You couldn’t tell him from any of the hundreds of other experts standing around with pencil in hand, frowning looks upon their faces, as they scanned the field.

Selecting the names of drivers he had seen in the winners listing, DIYer selected number three to win, and number six to place. Four bucks worth. Buying a place ticket really showed DIYer’s expertise. An old race track hound once told him always to buy a place ticket to back up the win ticket. You have two chances to win and the place ticket payoff would likely give you your money back for both bets. Of course, the old guy who gave DIYer that tip many years ago was wearing an old sweater and torn trousers, not a great picture of prosperity. But, he really knew his horses.

Well anyway, the horses lined up for the third race and were introduced. DIYer didn’t know the names of the horses anyway, but the drivers of horses three and six were different. DIYer was convinced a switch was made in drivers and therefore his money was down the drain. But as beginner’s luck would have it, number three came in first, paying $22.40; and number six was second, paying $4.40.

DIYer was beside himself. He had found a new source of real wealth. He was somewhat embarrassed when he had to ask at the $2 bet window where he could collect his winnings.

“Around the other side of the building,” the teller said with a look of, “My God, another backwoods dude got lucky.”

Time for the fourth race. Checking his list, DIYer decided upon number two to win, and number six, again, to place. Again, when the horse and drivers were introduced by the track announcer they didn’t match with DIYer’s selection. Wifemate insisted he didn’t know what he was doing, but DIYer told her that two and six must have been replaced with those AE’s listed on the bottom of the race sheet. Now, not everybody knows that AE means “also eligible.” DIYer told his companion, again displaying his knowledge of the racing game.

The fourth race was a seven-horse field. Two and six ran neck and neck throughout the race. Unfortunately, they were fifth and sixth at the finish line. Dismay.

When the winner circled the track, Wifemate mentioned once again that neither horse nor driver matched DIYer’s  list. He had to agree something was amiss.

A closer inspection of the race list found the answer. DIYer had been making his race selections from Monday’s race card. The problem with that was that it was Saturday.

Now the dilemma. Spend a buck for a race book, or depend upon the odds board for picks. It was at this point that DIYer showed his true colors and sound reasoning.

Know what he did? He took his $18.80 profit, fled the track, and took Wifemate out to dinner. Now, that’s real class, wouldn’t you agree?